I've spent a lot of time these past few weeks soul searching, reflecting on my life, looking for who I really am. I look back on a time in my life, not so long ago, when I last was truly happy. I look at that Ali from another lifetime, and I envy her. Not necessarily the circumstances of my life then, but I crave WHO she was.
That Ali was so strong, so self-assured. She had confidence, spark, sass. She was joyful. She recognized her inner light. She didn't focus on her weaknesses. She was aware of them, but they did not determine who she was. Her short-comings and flaws combined with everything amazing and powerful about her and THAT was how she defined herself. So where did she go? She got a little lost along the way, but I've gone to find her.
I may not know where she is but, I know how I lost her. I stopped trusting myself. I stopped believing that I am the one that knows what is best for me. I stopped believing that what I want out of my life, who I want in my life, how I want to live is good enough for me. I started believing that I was unworthy of that level of happiness, that I was selfish for wanting more. I started focusing on my darkness, on my short comings. Throughout my life, this has always been my greatest challenge. I think part of it came from being a girl raised in such a conservative, patriarchal community. I've sort of always felt like since I'm a girl, my own happiness and needs and desires always come last. And that...is bullshit. I know why past Ali was so happy. She was listening to her own desires, taking care of herself first. Doing what was best for her. Not in a selfish way, but trusting my instincts. Living in balance. Listening to the voices in my head and in my heart that a full of love, not the ones that are full of doubt. I can recognize when I'm not taking care of myself. Or being true to myself. Everything just sort of falls apart.
So here's the hard part...actually doing it. Picking myself up and moving forward. Forgiving myself for my mistakes. I had an amazing conversation with my dear friend Sarah's husband, Matt, recently. He and I were talking about what it is that I want, and why I gave up on it. He is very wise and thoughtful and deliberate with his words. He and Sarah have been my rock and my place to turn for comfort and advice. After a fairly intense conversation about my life and how I hope it to turn out he left me with these words:
“Our biggest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -Marianne Williamson
It is my job now to remember my light is as amazing (if not more so) than my darkness. God and the universe did not intend us to shrink. We are intended to see the light of ourselves and others.
I have to do it. I have to do it for the Bug.
It's just started raining now. Washing away a hard, hot, messy day and leaving a clean slate to wake up tomorrow and do better.
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