Where does the good go?

I haven't been posting as much as I would like. I've wanted to try to keep things positive. To not sound like I'm complaining. But...I'm not really feeling very positive these days. I keep pretending to be fine. That I'm strong. That this whole ordeal isn't really, really hard and terribly painful. Well, guess what. I'm getting divorced. And it sucks. It sucks so bad. I know it's the right decision for me and my daughter, but it is the hardest thing I have ever done.


Sometimes, I feel like since I am the one that decided enough is enough, since I'm the one that decided to leave, that I don't get to be upset about it. But I am upset about it. I'm so mad. I'm so sad. I'm not strong. At least not all the time. I mourn for the marriage I thought I was going to have. I'm livid that I allowed myself (yet again) to fall for someone who doesn't treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I'm angry at myself for settling. I feel deceived. I'm proud of myself for getting out before it got worse. I'm disappointed that I let someone say so many mean things to me. I hate that we can't even talk to each other without fighting. It's ridiculous that we have to arrange Andy's time with Lily via our attorneys. I'm tired of feeling like the bad guy for fighting for full custody. I'm pissed I had my dream wedding with the wrong man. My wedding was awesome. I'm pissed that the previous 2 sentences make me pissed.


I hope that we have reached rock bottom. I keep thinking that we've hit it but yet...Andy finds another way to make things harder. And sometimes I'm not very good at not letting things bother me. I'm working on it. I need some therapy. I need a vacation. My 31st birthday is 8 weeks from yesterday and all I want for my birthday is a divorce. 31...I really thought my life would be so different.