day 11: photo that makes you sad/angry
Before I dive into this, you need to know I am positive I made the right decision about getting divorced. My life is far from perfect but it is pretty great. I am incredibly happy, even on the hard days.
This was a difficult post for me to write.
I knew this post was coming up, and I was having a hard time thinking of a photo that upsets me in some way. Then this week I was going through old profile pictures on Facebook and found this one. And it took my breath away for just a moment. Why? Why this lingering sadness when I know I made the right choice?
I know I haven't been divorced for that long, nor was I married for that long. But it is still hard, sometimes, to look back on that day and not be sad about it. This picture makes me sad because I see that girl and remember how happy and hopeful she was. (and maybe delusional) It makes me sad because the dreams that I had for my marriage didn't come true. It doesn't make me angry or upset, just a little sad.
Being divorced isn't easy, but it is better. Getting divorced is a nightmare. Being a single parent is tough. The guilt I feel about my child not being with of her parents every day is a heavy burden to bear. Mourning the death of a dream is strange. And hard.
It is strange to get over your marriage falling apart. It was so weird for me to know I was doing the right thing for my health and happiness, and yet feel so sad sometimes. To feel such a huge loss. I didn't understand why I was sad in the midst of being happy. One day I realized it wasn't my marriage or my ex-husband I was missing, but the hopes and dreams that I had about marriage. Among other things, I have always wanted to be a wife and mother. I miss being a wife. I miss having a family. I miss the comfort of planning a future with someone.
So there it is. The death of a dream. Constant reminders of that dream. That's why divorce really sucks.
This was a difficult post for me to write.
I knew this post was coming up, and I was having a hard time thinking of a photo that upsets me in some way. Then this week I was going through old profile pictures on Facebook and found this one. And it took my breath away for just a moment. Why? Why this lingering sadness when I know I made the right choice?
I know I haven't been divorced for that long, nor was I married for that long. But it is still hard, sometimes, to look back on that day and not be sad about it. This picture makes me sad because I see that girl and remember how happy and hopeful she was. (and maybe delusional) It makes me sad because the dreams that I had for my marriage didn't come true. It doesn't make me angry or upset, just a little sad.
Being divorced isn't easy, but it is better. Getting divorced is a nightmare. Being a single parent is tough. The guilt I feel about my child not being with of her parents every day is a heavy burden to bear. Mourning the death of a dream is strange. And hard.
It is strange to get over your marriage falling apart. It was so weird for me to know I was doing the right thing for my health and happiness, and yet feel so sad sometimes. To feel such a huge loss. I didn't understand why I was sad in the midst of being happy. One day I realized it wasn't my marriage or my ex-husband I was missing, but the hopes and dreams that I had about marriage. Among other things, I have always wanted to be a wife and mother. I miss being a wife. I miss having a family. I miss the comfort of planning a future with someone.
So there it is. The death of a dream. Constant reminders of that dream. That's why divorce really sucks.
Feel ya.I've been divorce d for almost 5 years now. But the sadness does lighten and almost totally disappears, when you realize you're starting new dreams and they are WAY better than the delusional ones :)
ReplyDeleteVery brave post. Very honest. And yet you are still young with your life ahead of you and that can be very exciting. Divorce isn't the end.
ReplyDeleteI think about you all the time, Ali. Whenever I'm having a rough time with being a parent I just think about what a badass you are for being a single parent. You're doing a fantastic job with Plan B, and especially with Lily.
ReplyDeleteAl - you are the strongest woman I know. I admire the life you live every day. I'm very fortunate to have such a great example and friend. Love you...
ReplyDeleteAli, wow. I got nothing. This is such a striking look at something I definitely can relate to.
ReplyDelete