One year later

It's Valentines Day. A year ago today I decided to leave my husband. How strange, to make that decision on Valentines day. I remember being at work, talking with my dear client Claire. She had noticed I wasn't wearing my rings that day (which I always wore) and asked why. And it just came out, surprising myself as much as her. "I think I'm leaving my husband. I'm pretty sure my marriage is over."

It took me a long time to gather the courage to actually do it. Agonizing, night after night, over this internal struggle. Questioning myself, my motives, my instincts. It's a huge responsibility, being the one that breaks up a family. But I knew, I just KNEW it was the right thing to do. Yes, it would be so hard. But not as hard as staying. Everything was so hard already. It breaks my heart to look back and see how miserable I was. To feel so alone, so lost. Believing I was worthless. Feeling like a horrible wife and mother. Climbing up from post-partum depression, coming back to life. Needing my husband so desperately. But realizing when he was there, he wasn't "there". Learning that he had been unhappy for almost a year. A year! We'd only been married a year and a half! How terrible for him, for us, that I didn't know! There are far, far worse things than being alone. To have someone, right there next to you, that is unreachable. To have a partner that isn't your partner. By no means am I placing all the blame and responsibility for our marriage failing on his shoulders. I too have my part in what happened, he must have felt the same lonliness. I bear my fair burden.
Trying, wanting to work at it. That's what you do right? Work? Go to counseling. Read the books. Pray, pleading for the universe to show you what to do. But, at the time, I was the only one working at saving us. And I think, he had truly cared...had truly wanted to save our marriage, he would have worked at it too. So I came home from work that day, one year ago, and told him I was leaving. Maybe I'd be back, I said. Maybe I just need to get away to figure out what I needed to do. He asked me to stay just another week as his parents would be in town the next weekend for Lily's first birthday. I stayed 10 more days. Going through the motions, keeping up appearances for his parents. And then I was gone. I made it look so easy. And I guess in some way, it was easy. Leaving. But making that decision, having to admit defeat, telling my parents I needed to move in...that was nearly impossible. It broke my heart. It still hurts to know that this is where we ended up. I never wanted to be divorced. What a stupid statement. No one wants to be divorced. But I never wanted to be in a marriage that would eventually have destroyed me.

So I left. I made the choice to put my happiness and well-being, and my daughters as well, first. I chose to be an example to her that it is ok to make mistakes, to stand up for yourself, and to not allow yourself to be mistreated. My marriage did not survive, but I did. So Happy Valentines Day to me.